A LETTER TO SINGLE MEN SEEKING LOVE
Dear single men seeking love,
This may be the most honest letter I have ever written. Before moving on further let me add an important disclaimer. This letter is for men, not boys who can shave. This letter is for men who are done with date-hopping, one night stands, and lack of accountability This letter is for men who are seeking a committed long term love leading to finding a wife. If you choose to read on you will be faced with many hard truths you most likely weren't prepared to hear. You may have difficulty accepting my unapologetic stance on the issues I am about to address. But I can assure you one thing. Your eyes will be wide open to the possibility that there is a better way; that you can be better because you yourself deserve better.
Too often I saw the same patterns in my own past dating life and continue to bear witness through the stories of my girlfriends. It goes like this: Boy meets girl. Boy and girl exchange phone numbers and proceed to text back and forth for an indefinite amount of time. Finally someone initiates the much awaited first date. A string of dates follows thereafter in which it becomes girl's full time job to decode boy's intentions. After a drawn out series of stagnant interactions, boy confesses that he really doesn't "see this going anywhere" and hopes girl can remain his friend. Inevitably however, boy and girl do not remain friends. And the cycle goes on.
Before I ask you to clarify your own intentions let me first clearly state mine. My intention is to start a conversation that will break this devastating cycle by revealing what I believe the role of men should be in regards to dating women. The pursuit of a woman is an original design that falls singularly from God's design. Although we have sophisticated indie versions of this unique pursuit, nothing compares with the gravitas of why woman was crafted alongside man.The key is the intent of relationship. The Hebrew word for sex (yada) speaks of the flourishing of relations between a man and a woman. This covenant venture is sourced from the very heart of God who declares and applies His love towards us in full measure. I invite you to join me as I re-write the current narrative in the hopes that you walk away convicted and inspired in your own journey to find love.
Before even entering the unknown pool of dating, PLEASE make sure you are self-aware of what you are looking for in a relationship. Be brutally honest with yourself. As mentioned above, if you find yourself seeking a string of half-way committed relationships with expiration dates then good riddance, good luck, and good-bye. If you are genuinely seeking a shot at a lifelong love, then it's worth stepping back and intentionally assessing your desires and needs from a woman. Start with a blank sheet of paper and without hesitation, jot away to your hearts content. Go back through the list and check mark any "non-negotiables." Once completed, go back once more through the list and highlight your top ten most important items in a woman. I urge you to use this top ten as a baseline and throw every other nit-picky expectation out the window.
Spoiler alert: There is no such thing as the perfect woman. There are women who have a compatible baseline to you, you may or may not feel the rumored "magical spark", but you will have the opportunity to make a choice. SO MAKE ONE. By stubbornly sticking to your perfect ideal, you are missing out on the infinite possibilities of incredible women and that is truly such a shame. To take it a step further, since when did you look in the mirror and decided that YOU are perfect? Spoiler alert: There is also no such thing as a perfect man.
When you come across a woman in which you see baseline potential, ask her on a DATE for goodness sake. Don't settle for her phone number and take weeks to muster up the courage to maybe ask her out. Trust me, by the time you come around she'll already decide you are a coward and take you a lot less seriously. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT. Built into your very DNA is the ability to be a warrior full of confidence, fully capable of taking initiative. Is there the possibility of rejection? Of course, but at least you'll know she turned you down because of incompatibility, not because you lack the gumption of the man you could have been.
Now, let's say all goes well with the above and you begin dating. Regardless of the time span of the relationship, do everyone a favor and maintain honesty. Realistically, you will not fall head over heels in love with every woman you encounter. If you did, the plethora of dating apps available today wouldn't be such a lucrative business. But back to honesty; there is nothing worse for a woman than feeling led on. Be respectful of both her and your time and if at any point you do not see the relationship progressing, gently let her know. Breakups are never easy but I assure you once over, she will not only get over it, but more importantly she will honor your sincerity throughout the process.
Finally, let's talk about sex. (Yes, we are going there and you got this far already so please, read on.) Sex was created by God to further deepen intimacy inside a committed covenant relationship, i.e. marriage. To have sex inside marriage means, "I am not only naked physically, I am naked with my whole being in complete vulnerability for as long as I live." You are giving your body to one another as a token of how you have given your whole life as well. Outside of marriage however, you are saying "I will be vulnerable physically now because it feels good but I cannot promise my commitment outside of this moment." Sex then becomes a fleeting means to take without giving, ultimately damaging the trust and integrity of the relationship. A true man of character is able to forgo immediate desires of the flesh for the hope of a much longer lasting reward in a wife who's honor and self-worth is intact.
Too many years have gone by where I have personally witnessed even the of best men around me disregard their responsibility to pursue women with integrity. I don't believe this is due to a conscious decision to fall short of expectations; I believe it is because we as women fail to have these honest conversations out of fear. Fear of being misunderstood, fear of hoping for too much and being let down, fear of not being worthy of pursuit.
So as a woman, I step in the gap. As a woman, I speak on behalf of my sisters when I say that we are tired of being strung along and treated as less than the royalty we are. We are weary of lowering our already shaky standards to avoid being alone. We are terrified of admitting we desire love because the examples of notable men are too far and few. We desire to be swept up in a love story of a lifetime. We seek to join the power of our femininity with the strength your masculinity. We desire to be an irreplaceable role in your epic journey.
As men, you hold the power to unlock a revelation of worth in the women around you. The mantle has been bestowed. Now what are you going to do with it?
Xoxo, Diwa Doll
Photography: Mirna Plakalovic Photography
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